I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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