Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
