Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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