Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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