I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
