dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
