Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
