If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize