youre lurking in front of me
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
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I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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