There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
