I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You are a genius and a whore.
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