Swine flu. Run for my life!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
