Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
