this beer tastes like vomit already
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
