I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
