hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
