Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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