OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
