Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
