I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
