I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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