I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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