at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
