don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
do nipples grow back?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
