my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
