Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
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you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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