WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
