OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
