meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
