My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm getting married
To pizza
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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