I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
