I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
