1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
