You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
