you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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