Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
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I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize