I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
