xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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