I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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