I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
