I'm so fucking centered right now
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
