you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
