our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
