the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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