Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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