Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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