The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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