So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think I just shit out all my problems.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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