You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
