so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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