I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There are leaves in my underwear?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
