So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
