so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just googled if crying burns calories
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
