the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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