I could have mohawked her pubes.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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