so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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