How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
