6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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