can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize