that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There are leaves in my underwear?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
