you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
