I feel like abortions should bother me more
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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