there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
